Friday, November 22, 2013

Excuses To Prevent Work

Hyenas are a good work-avoidance excuse, with the right story.

There are plenty of jobs to be done, and most of them are dirty, strenuous, dangerous, populated with petty coworkers and hostile bosses, or so boring that you often consider giving yourself a lobotomy by driving your forehead into a well-sharpened number-2 pencil. That's why a repertoire of good work-avoidance excuses is so important. Unfortunately, the most common one -- I'm sick -- is no longer credible, and it affords you no chance to exercise your creativity.

Environmental Excuses

A good humored boss may accept your piranha excuse -- once.

Your home environment may provide a few excellent excuses. You can claim the pipes burst, a tree fell on your car, or you have to wait for the furniture delivery truck. The heater or air conditioner has failed. If none of those fits your situation, you may have to resort to saying that you dropped your keys in your piranha tank. If your boss buys that one, you deserve the day off.

Legal Excuses

You can tell the boss you've been arrested.

Jury duty is the gift that keeps on giving, especially if there is a lengthy, high-profile trial going on. Witnessing an accident or a mugging requires you to go to the police station and draft a statement as well as answer questions. If you need more than a day, you can say you've been arrested; but make sure you assure the boss that you are innocent and that your lawyer will have you out in a week.

Family Emergency Excuses

Grandpa's tragic accident surely deserves time off to deal with the consequences.

Vulnerable family members mobilize cautionary empathy on the part of the boss. He doesn't want to appear callous. Your spouse had to go to the emergency room. One of the children nibbled a house plant and you gave her Ipecac; she's been throwing up ever since. If none of these fly, then you might as well go for the Hail Mary pass: Grandpa put his teeth in backwards during breakfast, and before we realized what happened, he had eaten half his own head.

Paranormal Excuses

A vision of disaster may be the ticket to day off.

You had a bad dream; it was so vivid, it must be a vision. If you go to work, you are sure that a character in the dream will show up with an AK-47 to shoot everyone. Your stars can be misaligned, making it dangerous to leave the house. Describing paranormal experiences on the phone will surely get you out of work, if you have the right job, and the right boss: "I am guided by a beautiful astral voice, looking down on date groves. There is a raven there, with a witch." This one works every time.

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